Imagine being in a dimly lit walkway or tunnel with motion sensors. As you move forward a section of the path lights up, but the steps behind and beyond are clouded with darkness. You can only see clearly in the space of your own wingspan. Anything behind is left to memory and everything beyond is a mystery.

That’s how this journey of divorce has been for me. A long dark tunnel that only lights up as I will myself forward.

It took me a while to realize my marriage was over. Probably three to four years. Because for all the cold, dark times a spark of warmth and light could eradicate that void and fill me with such overwhelming love and joy. It was an elixir to a pain I didn’t quite understand. Not until I sat and analyzed those fulfilling moments, I would understand they were not tied to my spouse anymore, but largely centered around my children, extended family and friendships.

It’s amazing how in time you can look back and pinpoint the exact moment your world shifted. The conversation, the location, the sounds and smells remain as vivid as playing back an old home video. You also are able to accept the inevitability of the ultimate crumbling of the relationship because you know the cracks in an already weak foundation were never addressed or repaired.

You would think such knowledge would absolve you of guilt and it’s uglier twin sister, shame. For me it didn’t. To clarify, I didn’t feel guilty for walking away, but for NOT walking away the moment I knew it was doomed. Shame shrouded me for the farce which ensnared my children into the false security of having loving parents under the same roof longer than necessary. 

Remember that dimly lit pathway? I found for me the only thing lighting the way is honesty. I had to stop lying to myself before I could confess to my spouse. The truth shall set you free – and it will if you understand what freedom really is. 

Freedom for me was no longer pretending to be content with the person I had become. A person willing to compromise herself for temporary, selfish pleasures. Freedom was no longer going along just to get along – to keep up an illusion of unity when in actuality I was living and sleeping with the enemy. A person I no longer liked or trusted and who shared the same sentiments toward me. Freedom was admitting my reckless behavior will have consequences, but knowing the only way to truly right my wrongs was not only to walk away from the marriage, but also end the entanglements in order for a fresh start.

Now being in the light takes on a new meaning because it’s authentic and not fabricated. I can look myself in the mirror and sleep peacefully at night because I acknowledge my demons and work to overcome my downfalls daily. Spiritual warfare starts within – just like MJ said. I started with the woman in the mirror. I asked her to change her ways.

Consequences, karma, reaping what we sow – no matter what you call it there is no escape from our actions. Hurt people, hurt people. I have doled out my fair share so I can’t be shocked when it comes back at me in light drizzles or buckets of showers. However, being mindful of my reasons – the four beautiful children I have been allowed to carry, birth and nurture – keeps me pressing forward into the light. Also, remembering I have light within that must remain kindled to illuminate a path for them and others keeps me grounded and sure with each step along this journey.